How Bee does Motherhood: Loneliness
Welcome to a new series I am starting this year on the blog! We’re gonna talk through different aspects of motherhood. The great moments, the tough times, and all the emotions in between. As always, if there is something you want to see in a blogpost, write it in a comment for me to see!
I became a mama at the age of 29 (I turned 30 two weeks later). Growing up I always saw myself becoming a mama and kids have always been a part of my life. It started in the church nursery and then babysitting and then teaching at various daycare centers, and then finally owning my own. I was ( and sometimes still am) the one who volunteers to sit at the kids table or to help watch the kids outside at a party instead of interacting with the adults. My comfort zone was kids. And then I had my own…
Kids are truly amazing but it’s a whole different ball game when they are YOUR kids! Your kids are always with you. You’re truly never alone but then at the same time you feel lonely. It’s a strange emotion and I’ll admit that when I first felt lonely I also felt guilty. I was blessed to become a mother so how dare I feel anything but bliss?
This feeling of loneliness is different than any other post-partum feeling. But it can start the moment your little one enters the world. You’re told to stay home, you can’t leave for 40 days, you shouldn’t have any visitors because your little one is too small, or even worse… it’s flu season and there are germs flying everywhere. That happened to me when I had my second son, Leo. He was born during cold & flu season and it was the worst. I felt trapped! On days when Fabian went to work I couldn’t wait until he got home to connect with him and just talk but then when the time came to talk, I was so exhausted I didn’t even know what to say.
Once you’re able to go out in public with your kids and be around friends and family, the conversation is all about your kids. People no longer greet you first because they can’t get past the adorable baby in your arms. I made this mistake over and over before I became a mama. I would say hi to the baby before the mama and continue to make it about the baby by asking only baby specific questions. Once I was finally in the mama’s shoes I realized the loneliness that adult conversations can bring you.
Learning to love your post-partum body is a road that we all walk alone. God bless our baby daddies but they truly will never understand a pregnant and post-partum body. I remember saying to Fabian, “I have been bleeding for 6 weeks, I am really ready to be done wearing a diaper.” I am sure I could do a whole post on my post-partum body but being alone in my season of recovery, weight loss, and acceptance that my hips are forever changed is hard.
Loneliness doesn’t seem to be your typical motherly emotion but we ALL feel it in different ways. It’s ok to not always feel grateful for this motherhood season of bliss. It’s ok to want time to yourself, why else do you think they put locks on the restrooms in your home? There is no shame in re-connecting with your friends and letting them know you miss them. God created us to be relational, to do life within communities, and to give support to one another when we need it. No one can truly do this motherhood thing alone, even if you’re the most super introverted homebody.
Here are some quick tips to help any mama feeling lonely.
First, remember that your identity is not found in what you do. In this case, motherhood. Yes, you may be a mom but first and foremost you’re a daughter of the King. Your true identity is found in Him!
PRAY! The second week I was home alone with my toddler and newborn I found myself locking myself in the restroom and just crying. I felt overwhelmed and as Jax was knocking on the door saying, “mama, mama, mama” I prayed asking for peace, wisdom, and comfort. A quick prayer and few deep breaths can do wonders!
Find one or two friends you can call/text multiple times a day for encouragement, a listening ear, and just someone to connect with. And return that favor, be the mom that someone else can come to for support!
Do your best to get out of the house when possible. And when you’re out make it a point to connect with someone that isn’t your child, even if it’s just to smile and say, “hi, how are you today?”
Talk about what you’re feeling with your spouse. I think often as mothers we feel like it’s a wast of time to express our feelings to someone who may not be able to relate to them. But getting our feelings out of our head and heart can be super healthy. We don’t always need our spouse to help us out of our feelings, we just need to be heard. And a listening ear from the person we love the most can provide the support we’re looking for.
When talking with other mothers, make the conversation about them. In hearing stories of their life and motherhood season you may find common ground but more importantly you’re giving another mama a small escape from her unspoken loneliness.
Buy yourself some earbuds and wear one in your ear when your doing chores at home or even driving. Give yourself some me time while still listening to your littles in the other ear. I’ve been doing this on occasion and it really helps me feel like I am giving myself some quality ‘me time’ while still being home with my kids.
I hope these small tips helped and as always, remember that you’re not alone in your season of motherhood. Why else do you think the mommy blogger and motherhood on instagram life is so popular? It’s another solution to our loneliness, we created an online community for us to connect to other mama’s going through similar experiences.
God created you exactly for this time and season and despite anything that you’re feeling YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB and I am cheering you on! You can do it!
-Bee
