What to expect when you're expecting
The past couple weeks God has been working in our marriage. I still consider us somewhat newlyweds. We’ve been married for 2.5 years and God has brought us through a lot of things very quickly. Adjusting from living for ourselves to doing life together as a team can be hard. We are always transparent about our relationship and our marriage. We’re learning a lot and we want you to learn with us too, you know keep you from messing things up like we have.
One thing God has been showing us lately has to do with our expectations. What we expect from one another in our daily life, in our conversations, and in our reactions. I heard on a podcast this week that, “expectations are resentments in the making.” When I heard that it was like the final light bulb moment that I needed to realize why we keep getting frustrated in the same areas of our marriage. And when I say we, I am mainly talking about myself (Bee, I am the wife).
I expect a lot out of my husband. And don’t get me wrong, he is an amazing friend, husband, and father. But according to the bar of expectations that I had set for him… he didn’t measure up. Sounds harsh but please continue reading…
Our expectations can come from our thoughts and most of the time they are not vocalized. All you “kill them with kindness” personalities better raise your hand with me. Other times expectations come from the way we grew up and how our parents trained us when we were younger. They can come from our own personalities and how we like to do things. They can be high or low, reasonable or unreasonable, good or bad. And any time there is mutual dependency whether it’s a friendship, a boss/employee relationship, or in this case a marriage, expectations exist. And, if those expectations are not met, conflict can be the result.
So that’s where we have found ourselves. In places of conflict. God is showing us that we need to change our expectations of one another. We need to lower the bar. However, lowering the bar doesn’t mean saying to your spouse, “if I don’t expect anything then I won’t be disappointed.” I’ve said that phrase before to Fabian, been there done that and it doesn’t work that way. We need to take the pressure off our spouse by communicating, forgiving, and loving them through life.
I can get caught up in a web of thoughts full of expectations for Fabian but y’all he can’t read my thoughts. I have to vocalize them to him. Being open and actually talking about our expectations inside of marriage is going to help any unrealistic expectations disappear but also, it will keep you both on the same page. Having this conversation can bring so much relief to any pressure you may be feeling from one another. And this isn’t a one time convo, this is like a daily convo that needs to be happening within your home.
We are all a work in progress, get in a daily habit of forgiving one another for even the little things like socks being left on the floor or dishes sitting in the sink with crusty leftovers on them. Forgive yourself and forgive all the other people who haven’t met any expectations you have held over them.
Y’all just loving friends or spouses through any formed expectations that they cannot live up to is the way to go. It is not their fault. We need to remember that everyone is different and to embrace our differences even within our expectations.
We have the power to change our expectations. Bottom line. Let me say that again to myself, “Bee, you have the power to change your expectations.”
In your friendships or your marriage how have you had to manage your expectations? What’s one silly expectation that you have had of others that you have just had to let go?